Look Away.
- Oct 3, 2024
- 3 min read
“I know you still love him,” she said as if I just killed a person with a rope. “But can you tell me the reason why do you have to stay when it’s all already gone?”
She doesn’t understand. Even me, myself, I don’t even understand why I keep on fighting with these feelings. There are some unsaid words that keep repeating on my mind and it tortures my heart. I don’t know if this is a good idea for letting me cut my own heart, with the knives that I held. But when she asked me why I still love him, I know that she thinks I am insane, and these were not good at all.
I look up the window, and my vision caught the gloomy clouds outside. Even the weather knows how it would like to be me. I should have been more careful; I should have been thrown it all after a second he left me. It should have been easier for me as an active absent-minded. But the real fact is, I still keep on every single piece on the precious black box in my heart, and everything that I do, it seems like I’ve been doing all the same exact thing just like what I used to be. Just like when he was here.
“You know, Serra. Everything is different now. You can’t always hold those things on your hand like this. You have to let it go, just like what he said to you. I’m sure that if he is here by now, he won’t feel right to see you like this.”
And I know. Once again, I know that she wants me to be happy. Because she remembers when he said that I deserve to be happy, I deserve a better life and better story than this. All I know is he gave me the best goodnight calls, the sweetest kisses, the most wanted hug, and the best love story I ever wanted. But that’s all before he’s gone. And now I’m living the scariest night, the abandoned hugs, the worst love story I would never volunteer. But sadly, I’m on it. And these pent-up feelings after he left me, after he left this world is just enough to change me from the bright A to be the gloomy Z.
But, really, am I a hundred percent wrong if I still love him? For God’s sake, I promise that I obviously want to forget all of this, if I can. I want to let go of these memories, ripe out his presence, turn off all those songs and break all the mirrors and walls that painted our name on it. But I just can’t! Who wants to be killed by silence? I guess the real me knew its answer. It would be me. If only he just stays, if only he weren’t gone, if only I didn’t yell at him, if only I didn’t cry, if only I didn’t ask him to comeback… I want to kill myself.
Rain is finally coming down to the earth, and I keep on fighting with my own invisible tears. ‘Look away’ ‘Don’t look at the rain!’ ‘Just stop being stupid, can you?’ ‘Don’t hold your tears back, let it go.’
“Ma, I want you to hug me. Please...”
—cloudsans
February 14th, 2016 / 21:11
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